Robert S. Jerome, Ph.D., certified anger management therapist

Stress is almost overwhelming our abilities to thrive. Stress manifests itself in nefarious ways, but mostly in our general health and our negative behavior. Simply put, stress is making us sick and unhappy – heart attacks and broken relationships are far too common.

For many, stress is a temporary condition…usually situational… based on realistic concerns: Parent’s illness, job loss, money worries, dispirited relationships. In most cases, passage of time, simple tension release techniques and effective planning can help control situational stress.

However, for a growing number of Americans, stress is based on unrealistic perceptions: Feelings of inadequacy, non-directed anxiety, generalized fear, resentments and jealousies.

This type of non-realistic stress takes many faces – from withdrawal and isolation to anger and aggression. One of the fastest growing diagnoses of stress-based phobias is agoraphobia. Perhaps a more modern name for this type of age-old phobia is "burnout”. We just don’t have the energy or inclination to reach out to others. We isolate ourselves into never ending cycles of depression while self medicating and escaping into hours of mind numbing television. Although difficult to treat, agoraphobia can be controlled by medication and behavioral modification techniques.

There also seems to be a growing percentage of those who turn stress outward. By blaming their problems and issues on “those people”, they seem to be able to justify angry attacks and intolerance towards others. It’s not just that “I win, It's you who must be humiliated and destroyed.”

This anger-based stress has rapidly been accepted into politics, business interactions and ultimately into our personal relationships. It seems we no longer have neighborhoods. We have armed camps just waiting for the opportunity to vanquish our opponents...those people. We no longer listen to opposing viewpoints. We band together in like minded thinking groups and reinforce our own viewpoints. People who don’t think like we think become villainous traitors and obviously mentally deficient and somehow subhuman. I am justified in taking whatever action necessary to protect myself and my country from them. We are stymied socially and politically. Issues are not solved, lives are not improved and relationships are not enhanced.

Can this depressive/angry trend of interpersonal relationships and societal hegemony be turned around or have we reached the point of no return? Perhaps we cannot change the whole without changing the individual parts. We must change ourselves before we can change the world.

But, how do we change from stressed-out, intolerant time-bombs to more open and less angry, happy individuals?

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1. Accept that we need to change to improve ourselves and our personal relationships.

2. Listen to others – really listen… empathetically and shut up. Don’t talk. Ask how your anger affects them.

3. Just stop.. Stop saying angry things. Don’t cuss, rant, and yell. Don’t argue or debate.

4. Change your self-talk - “I am happy” rather than “that makes me mad”. Post encouraging notes and signs.

5. Aerobic exercise - take a walk, swim, stretch or practice yoga.

6. If someone insults you, let it go - QTIP (quit taking it personally). Whatever!

7. Change focus. If you need help, HELP others, reach out.

8. Smile – fake it until you make it!

9. Get some help – talk with someone. Tell them how you feel and how you would like to change.

10. Substitute or find outlets for your anger such as hobbies, creative writing and photography.

11. Change diet - less caffeine, sugar and salt.

12. Vent on things, NOT on people. Ride a bike, hit a bag, build a birdhouse, yell in the closet.

13. Set priorities – what and who are most important in your life? Choose between your anger or your children.

14. Avoid negative people like the plague (because that is what they are - extremely catching).

15. Replace “Automatic Negative Thoughts” with “how do I solve this thoughts”.

16. Accept and offer compliments graciously. Give compliments frequently.

17. Be generous, but allow others to occasionally pick up the tab.

18. Cultivate new friends. If the old friends are negative reinforcers, put them on hold

19. Refuse to be a victim.

20. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

These changes are not easy. It took a lifetime to become negative. The rest of your life should be spent pursuing positive life changes.

R.S. Jerome, PhD

Robert S. Jerome has a PhD in Organizational Psychology and is a certified Anger Management Therapist. As a founder and principle at Applied Learning Systems, one of the leading employee development – training organizations, Dr. Jerome has conducted thousands of workshops and training sessions – with nearly 100,000 satisfied participants worldwide.

www.AppliedAngerManagement.Com

Visit Robert's website to learn more about applied anger management programs, situational stress and improving interpersonal relationships and health. Remember also to keep visiting The Ultimate Stress Blog.

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Categories: Relationships Institutional, Relationships Personal, Shifting Attitudes