Kathy Seifert, Ph.D., psychotherapist

Stress is caused by a stressor. A stressor can cause a challenge or a barrier to something you want. A loss or argument with a loved one can be a stressor, for example. Some stressors you can change, some you cannot.

First you must decide if the stressor is something that is within your power to change. You cannot change other people. You can request that they change a behavior, but rarely does someone change a well established habit, and almost never do they change a personality trait. The only person you can change is sitting in your chair.

You can change your attitude, thinking, feelings, or behavior. For instance, you can accept the things you cannot change (serenity prayer) or you can walk away from a situation that is unbearable. The Serenity Prayer says “have the wisdom to know the difference.” That little prayer has saved me a lot of worry in my lifetime.

I once had a job I hated. I also was not very good at it. It was giving me ulcers and I was very unhappy. There was nothing about that job that I could change that would have made me happy because I was not suited to that job. My body was signaling me that I needed to make a change and I did. I changed careers and I have been happy with my jobs since then.

There are steps you can take to reduce your upset over a stressful situation.

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Step 1. First, figure out what is causing you stress. Then ask yourself, “Is it in your power to change the situation?” If yes, you try to change or remove the stressor. If a neighbor comes over for coffee often and is very irritating because she talks about her problems constantly, you may have to set limits. You can say something such as, “I am really very busy, you can only come over on Thursdays at 10 AM.” Or “Today, I would like to talk about _____.” Or “Your problems sound serious. Can I help you find a counselor?” If you just stress over it, you still have the stress and the problem.

If the problem is not yours to change, you can accept it or walk away from it, or change your thoughts and feelings about it.

Step 2. Change your thinking about the problem. You can re-evaluate the amount of energy you are spending on worrying about the stressor. You may be putting $100 worth of energy into a 10 cent problem. If you worry every day and get very upset because your husband won’t take out the garbage, decide if this is a little (10 cent) or big $100 problem. If it is a little problem, don’t use up too much energy being upset about it. Make the energy expended match the magnitude of the problem.

Step 3. You can say to yourself, “A 10 cent problem gets 10 minutes of worrying. I can worry for 10 minutes on Wednesday at noon (schedule your worry time and limit it to the size of the problem). Then, I am done with it.”

Step 4. Take action to change YOUR part in the problem or worry. You can take out the garbage yourself, get the kids to do it, pay a neighborhood kid to do it or ignore it till it stinks and he/she decides to do something about it. You can make a deal, “Honey, I will fix your favorite dessert or beverage (or watch your favorite TV show with you) every night that you take out the trash.” Then don’t nag or remind. Remember, it is a losing battle to try to change someone else by complaining.

My grandmother always said. “You get more flies with honey than vinegar.” She was right. Put on your best honey smile when encouraging someone to help you solve a problem that belongs to both of you. You give a little and maybe your partner will reciprocate, especially if you “sweeten” the deal. It is about solving the problem and both of you getting your needs met.

So, let’s say it is a great big problem, like you can’t make ends meet financially because your husband tends to be a spender. Now that is a problem. I would start by sitting down with hubby (or wife) and plan a budget together. Both should agree to stick to the budget. Keep talking about it because it will take a while to work. Try not to blame or get upset. If it is needed, get a counselor involved. If that doesn’t work, you can open a bank account in your name for bills and keep enough in it to cover all bills. Let your spouse have the old account to spend whatever is left over. But, I really recommend counseling when it gets to this point.

Step 5. Learn relaxation activities and USE them. There are many relaxation activities and CD’s on the market. Take time for yourself in any way that helps you relax. Encourage your partner to do the same. You might find something relaxing to do together, such as taking a pleasant walk or ride. Reward yourselves for working out a particularly tough problem, too.

Kathryn Seifert is a psychotherapist with over 30 years experience. She founded Eastern Shore Psychological Services, a multidisciplinary private practice that specializes in working with high-risk youth and their families. She advocates for the highest quality services for all children needing mental health treatment.

Dr. Kathy created several guided imagery, relaxation CD’s and guided journals for stress management. Dr. Seifert has authored self help articles and lectured nationally and internationally on healing from trauma and managing stress.

Her CD's have been praised by many for relaxation, sports enhancement, pain management, and falling asleep.

www.DiscoverTheWiseOldWoman.com

You can change yourself by visiting Kathy's website. Remember also to keep visiting The Ultimate Stress Blog.

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